Motherlove I

I sent my daughter off to her dad's house today.
She'll be with him through the end of the month.
It's always a welcome reprieve for me,
Weeks in a row without the responsibilities of motherhood.
Time to spend on myself, recharge, reassess, process.
I held her close to me before she got into his rental car,
held her head in my hand and pressed a kiss into her soft cheek -
whispered I love you sweetie to her. Memorized her feel, her hug, her eyes and voice.
Just in case.
Parting from your child, no matter how welcome the time out,
is always difficult.
The instinct to hold, to protect.
The uncertain look she gives me as she gets into the car.
The worry - will she be ok this time? Can she handle this?
Knowing that if anything were to happen to her, I would be over 2000 miles away.
I know that this is what her father goes through every time he says goodbye to her
With the additional pain of infrequent time spent with her
And I know that this is good for her
Spending time with the rest of her family
Enriching her life and her experience
Spending the time with her dad- never enough for either of them,
but all that we collectively can manage -
But I wait, every night, for the phone call -
Mom, I miss you. Mom, I really wish you were here. I love you, Mom.
Each night that the phone doesn't ring I wait, and wait, and finally
make myself relax.
She's all right. If she hasn't called it must mean she's ok.
But tomorrow I will send her something in the mail,
and leave her a voicemail,
so that she will have something of me with her.
Just in case.